I'm no pro when it comes to praying, I probably could use a few lessons. The problem with prayer though is communication, it's all one sided most of the time. I tell God clearly what I want but I have to guess at what he wants. How is that fair?
God knows my trivial requests, a trampoline for the kids. He knows my urgent serious requests, a job please. He knows my important requests, support for a family friend dying of cancer. I ask him, what do you want from me? What is it that I am suppose to do now? What is your plan for my life? and I get nothing. I have to sift through a text written centuries before my time by a culture so foreign to me that I cannot possibly understand the meaning behind every word.
I don't keep a record of prayers and a tally of those answered. I feel to do so would be testing God and I don't want to tempt fate for the worse. That takes my thoughts a whole different direction to that of Fate - how much is fate, chance, or personal fulfillment? How much of what happens in my life is a direct result of answered prayer? or is it just the consequence of actions and decisions made?
I have been lead astray by thinking this must be what God wants because everything is coming together, then it all falls apart. I've believed that a prayer is in the process of being answered only to find out that things are getting worse not better.
I'm tired of guessing, I want a road map, I want a detailed outline, I want to know what decision is the right one. Am I asking too much for a dialog? a relationship where both parties are equally engaged? Probably, after all I am talking about God here. There is no equality. I am but an ant, one of thousands on this tiny ball in the middle of the universe. Maybe the only comfort I can take is that prayer if not heard, is at least helping me define what I want out of life. Today that happens to be cash flow.
This post was written in 2010 when I was still praying. It has been years since I prayed regularly. Sometimes life knocks that out of you. However, I do see God's hand in my life helping me keep a roof over my head and food in the fridge. - but that is it and most months I don't know how I'll pay rent or eat the next month.
Shannon Peel was a God fearing Optimist once...