Updated: May 21, 2019
Her chest feels light, her head is spinning, and her lunch just flipped around in her stomach on it's way up to her mouth. No she's not about to throw up, she just saw the man she can't stop thinking about. Is this love? No that's lust, don't confuse the two.
It's February and everyone is L O V E crazy, well the female part of our species is, at least. I sit and watch men buy flowers from the street side vender knowing I won't get any because I am still single and getting to the point where I am choosing to stay that way. To give up on love, I first have to know what love is and why I crave it.
A google search has lead me to an article in the Guardian asking the question What is love? When it comes to romantic relationships, the majority see it as acceptance of each other's differences and moving forward together for a common goal. One person define's it as the chemistry during the act of love, to which I think, there has to be more to it than the physical.
Psychology Today has so many articles on love to read them all would be mind boggling. Of what I did read, a couple of things rung true. "The brain seeks the good feeling of letting down your guard." I crave the safety of sharing myself completely with another person and having them accept me, love me despite my brokenness and pain. To be good enough and know without a doubt I am loved regardless of what I do. I have never felt that. I've always felt I never measured up, was never enough, had to follow rules, needed to jump through hoops or hide my true self to be loved.
I asked a man, who is very lustful and flees from any attachment or strings, what he thought the difference between lust and love was. I believe his answer is why so many men focus on talking about sex and not getting to really know a woman when dating:
Love is the total infatuation, respect and adoration for another person. Lust is the desire of the mind towards one's body. If a man does not take the time to get to know a woman, he will never be able to fall in love with her because as he stated, love is something that is not sought, but hits one when least expecting and most men aren't mature enough to get past their lust. If all a man wants is naked photos and sex right off the bat, chances are he will never look past the lust to fall in love. He doesn't want to.
There is a website dedicated to supporting men who turn away from love and live life on their terms. It's called Men Going There Own Way. It is a site for men, a safe place to voice their own masculinity, to walk away from women and the shame feminism has put on men.
A quote from the forum.
To be free and happy you must focus on yourself. The world does not care about you...so why care about it? Once you wake up to this fact..then you will find, peace, happiness and love your own life, projects and life really begins.
That explains a lot about the single men and why they treat women like objects, toys, nothing. They are selfish and do not want to truly love a woman. Or at least not a woman like me.
I want to be free of this craving for another person's acceptance. To be free of this need to care about someone else. To be content with myself and not be sad at the idea of never finding love. To matter enough to myself.
To read this sounds sad, lonely, and heartless. However, as a daughter, I hid my true self. As a mother I give everything to my children. As a wife, I gave everything to the point I no longer mattered. As a single woman, I get nothing.
At 42 years old, I am empty.
Original post from Feb 2016
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Shannon Peel is a Digital Marketing Specialist, writer, and novelist living in the Vancouver area of British Columbia. Follow her on social media where she writes about marketing, writing, novels, single life, divorce, parenting, and adventures with her Mini Cooper named Tori.