Excerpt from the book 40 Something about 5 women juggling careers, kids, family, and men. Based on true stories about life, marriage, dating, careers, rivals, sisters, friends, technology, abuse, love, and so much more.
I am unwanted.I am unworthy.I will never be loved.
These words keep going around and around in my head. Repeating themselves over and over. It’s like there is a demon talking inside my mind and it won’t shut up. It won’t stop. It’s incessant. I just want it to be silent so I can think, so I can sleep, so I can move on. How can I move on when I feel so alone? The pain inside is palpable. Every word stabs at me. Every realization rips me apart. I want to cry, scream, beat something, the pain is brutal and it won’t go away. It burns in my throat and behind my eyes. It rips at my heart. It leaves an empty hole beneath my breastbone. Everything hurts.
A deep tired ache with every nerve on fire to remind me I’m alone.
I will always be alone.
I’m damaged goods.
Craig found someone to love him. He found love, so, he must have been right when he said that I was the reason our marriage didn’t work, that I’m not good enough to love. He treats her with respect. He cares about her wants and needs. He never cared about mine. I was nothing but a burden to him. A responsibility he no longer wanted.
I didn’t matter.
What I wanted didn’t matter.
Who I am didn’t matter.
My happiness never mattered.
All that mattered was him.
My kids need me. I need to focus all my energy and attention on them. I’m a mother. Mothers don’t date. Mothers don’t go to bars. Mothers don’t have sex with men that aren’t their kid’s fathers.
Mothers are good.
I’m only a mother.
I’m a single mother.
My mother couldn’t love me. My husband couldn’t love me. I am unworthy of love, I know that, every guy can see that. They’ll know. I’ll just get rejected. I don’t want to date. I don’t want to be thrown away again. Men don’t talk to me. Men talk to Lindsay because she’s gorgeous, fun, and happy. She doesn’t have all the problems I have. Men talk to Charlie because she is smart, successful and interesting. She doesn’t have all the insecurities I have. Men see them. Men don’t see me.
Lindsay wants me to go to some shindig with her tonight. I don’t want to go. Maybe I should tell her I’m sick. Who am I kidding? I’ll go. Even though I don’t want to. I’ll go because she asked me to. I never say no. I never do what I want. I don’t know. I’ll go. I don’t want to stay home. I don’t want to go. I just. Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.Maybe I should ask Craig what I should do. He always told me what to do. I’m lost without him.I better get ready. Lindsay will be ready to go soon. She won’t let me stay home. Damn. Why don’t I know what I want?
I am unlovable.
I am unwanted.
I am alone.
The pain is sharp and it cuts into my soul, shredding it to pieces.
Shannon Peel is the author of THIRTEEN a book about a boy and his mom caught behind enemy lines when soldiers attack their North American hometown. The story asks the question, what if it happened here?